Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Now the media tells me I'm sick of bacon. And am possibly a man.

Recently I stumbled across this article on MSNBC.com about one of my favorite subjects: bacon. However, the author informs me that I am sick of bacon. This is so disconcerting to me. I'm sick of bacon? Really? But I'm not sick of bacon! How can I be sick of bacon when I'm not sick of bacon? When did I become sick of bacon, and why didn't I find this out until now? How does she know something that I don't? Is she like a porcine clairvoyant?

This author also tells me that she and everyone else are sick of bacon too, so I'm not alone, but that doesn't make me feel any better.  How can everyone possibly be sick of bacon? What is happening to the world when everyone is sick of bacon? Armageddon is next, I am sure.

In addition to the startling news that I am apparently undergoing bacon fatigue without my knowledge and that everyone is tired of bacon, there were many other things that disturbed me about this article:

  • First of all, the author also informs me that bacon is very trendy these days, which is apparently why we're all sick of it. Now, it bothers me that I've become a part of some sort of trendy trend where bacon has reached a zenith in American society. I'm just not the trendy kind: I wasn't a cool kid in elementary school, junior high school, high school, college or adult life, and I'll be dadgummed if I'm going to be cool now. It's cooler not to be cool than it is to be cool. Unless you were cool first. But if you're cool first and then everybody becomes cool after you, it isn't very cool is it? So it's better not to be cool at all. But unfortunately bacon is now very cool, even as we're all sick of it. And I love eating bacon. How can I love bacon while maintaining my cool uncoolness? I'm not really sure how to resolve this moral dilemma.
  • Secondly, as much as I love bacon, even I have a problem with bacon being in everything. According to this author, bacon, trendy that it is now, is definitely in everything. Yes, it's delicious on baked potatoes, fabulous in dark chocolate, and probably decadent in homemade ice cream, but a corporately-manufactured bacon sundae? Bacon in tequila? Bacon flavored potato chips? Bacon caskets? That's even too much for me.
  • Thirdly, is there a vast pig-wing conspiracy conspiring to make us all slaves to bacon? This article makes me wonder. I mean, I quit being a vegetarian and started consuming large quantities of bacon at about the same time that bacon started trending in the American collective consciousness. So either the pig-powers-that-be brainwashed me with the smell of fried bacon along with everyone else, or I single-handedly started a trend. Which would make me a trendsetter. Which would make me cool. Which brings me back to my moral dilemma above in #1. So looks like I'm screwed no matter what.
  • And Fourthly, bacon is not only trendy, it is gender-specific to males, at least according to the author of this article: "Bacon, real or otherwise, could simply be the 'go ahead, you deserve it' product for men . . . For a market that worships male youth culture, bacon is the perfect product, yoked to masculinity, accessibility and indulgence that you don't need an ID to buy." Apparently I'm more masculine than I thought I was. And so is my mother. And almost every other female I know. Maybe bacon is the new penis envy.
I find this article much more troubling than a sucky economy, rising gas and food prices, climate change, politicians screwing over the U.S., 12/21/12 and the zombie apocalypse. Here I am, finding out I'm trendy when I hate being trendy, overwhelmed by bacon in everything and worried that when bacon kills me my body will be stuffed in a bacon casket. Which means I'll be like a giant filet mignon for God. Furthermore, because of bacon I'm now gender-confused. And it all may be a secret government plot to subdue me with with smoked, fatty, fried pork products and by-products like fake bacon shakes.

So maybe I really should be sick of bacon. Except I'm not, no matter what the media tells me. In fact, all this bacon-centric consternation is making me hungry for a big, fat, greasy bacon cheeseburger. That doesn't really make me a dude, does it?

UPDATE: Please feel free to leave me a comment. I just found out that my Blogger comments settings were set to use that stupid CAPTCHA crap, which I can't stand. That may be why I haven't had many comments. My apologies. I don't want anyone (except spammers) to have to jump through hoops to comment on my posts.  So the CAPTCHA is GONE. I dearly love to get comments, and I try to reply to all comments I get. So please give me a shout! (Please note that if you are a spammer, I will get all stabby on your ass, metaphorically speaking, and will delete your spammy nonsense.)

Friday, April 6, 2012

Five or six or maybe eight things I’ve learned about Twitter

It's now been close to four months since I've been actively using Twitter. During that time I've learned a few random things about Twitter that I'm going to share with you (and no, this isn't going to do a damn thing to help you gain more followers on Twitter, improve your social media skills, attract more chicks or dudes, whiten your teeth or anything else useful):

  1. Twitter is very addicting. It's so much so for me that now that I have an iPhone, I read my Twitter feed in the john. At least I haven't started live tweeting there. Not yet anyway.
  2. Twitter is also a great way to avoid working. However, it doesn't sit very well with your boss when you tell her you were tweeting instead of doing your TPS reports. Especially when social media isn't even remotely part of your job description.
  3. Big-boobed spambots on Twitter, much like email spambots, seem to think I'm a man with ED and lots of money rather than the post-menopausal woman of modest means that I really am. Sorry ladies, I'm just not your type.
  4. It's not a good idea to tweet and talk on your iPhone at the same time. Unless you're 14 years old. Then you probably have the motor skills, and the brain cells, to do that. Post-menopausal women born way before 1982 and named Zippy don't.
  5. I only follow 25 people and I still can’t keep up with everyone’s tweets. How those of you who follow 25,000 people or more keep up with them is completely beyond me. Obviously you've got attention deficit disorder working for you. Or you're 14 years old. Which in many respects is the same thing.
  6. @altonbrown is the shit. For real. I enjoy reading his tweets as much as The Bloggess’. And there was something really sexy about the photo he tweeted this Tuesday of him with his facial stubble and holding a green smoothie. Don't ask me why: I have no frickin' idea.
  7. Having your blogging icon, The Bloggess, follow you on Twitter totally rocks. If that's all I ever accomplish on Twitter, I'll die happy. 
  8. And, yes, #7 may truly be all I accomplish, because even though I'm addicted to Twitter, I still really don't get it. All I know is that I spend entirely too much time on it. Maybe I need to take up knitting socks for cats or something like that instead. At least then I'd get something tangible done.