Monday, September 26, 2011

Fuck It.

“We just want to devote ourselves to art.
We’re all dragged at increasing speed towards the grave.
Any picture we don’t make will be not made by somebody else."

--George Passmore, half of the Gilbert & George art duo

Fuck It. Yes, I'm violating my own rule on using the F word here, but it's my blog and I can change the rules. This is also my life, and I can change the rules here as well. Fuck the rules - all the rules I've listened to all my life, all the rules I made for my own life, consciously or unconsciously. Fuck It.

This afternoon, right after lunch, I opened up my personal email (yes, at work, fuck it), and read the above quote in an email from John Williams, author of the book, Screw Work, Let's Play and it hit me over the head like a g-damn 20-ton steel mallet.

Life is short y'all, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit around any more and wait for "my time" - my time to do what I want, live how I want, my time to make art, my time to write and publish, my time to make music, my time to live like the joyful, creative, loving being that I am. Fuck It. Fuck the rules that say I have to wait until I'm more experienced, that I have to wait until I have enough money, that I have to wait until enough people like my work, that I have wait until even anyone likes my work, that say I need more time, that I have to wait until I'm old and retired, that I have to wait until I have certain people's approval, Fuck it. I'm doing this NOW.

No more fighting against my self-made obstacles. No more making excuses. No more wasting productive time on surfing the internet at work and at home because I'm all angsty about whether I can actually accomplish my dreams so I'm procrastinating. No more feeling like I can't steal some time at work to do some of the things I love - I'm stealing that time anyway on angsty internet-surfing anyway, so it might as well be stolen for things I really want to do.

I've had it with wasting my life - wasting it on fear about what others might think or do or say, wasting it on fear about whether I'm being "selfish," wasting it on other people's rules and concepts, wasting it on what others think I should or should not do. I'm ready to break out.

I'm ready to live the creative life I've always wanted to live and to as fully as I can dedicate it to the creative avenues I want to pursue - art, writing, music, and more. I'm ready to get unstuck and really live this life. I have no idea if it's god's design for my life, has the seal of approval of my parents or society or the government, if anyone will think I'm talented or find any value in what I have to say -- all I know is that I have always had a burning desire to express myself, to be creative, and that it is killing me to deny it any further because I am so fucking afraid to fail.

But now, the pain of not doing this is stronger than my fear of failure. If I fail at my creative efforts, I fail, but at least I will have gotten them out there instead of sitting on them. And even if I fail, I'll keep doing them, because this is too important to me. I don't care if the world recognizes or values what I have to say and express, what's important is that I get it out there, because no one can say what I say in the way I have to say it, and if I don't ever say it and say it the way I do, no one ever will.

So fuck it. This is my life and not anyone else's, and I've spent 47 years trying to live a life that others have said I should live, and I'm not going to do that any more. It is time to live my life, and not waste another drop of it.

More to come.

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